


Of cream puffs and messy feelings - ew feelings

by Gabriel_Sammys_Angel



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Deaf Clint Barton, Eating Disorder, F/M, Hurt Clint Barton, Lovers, Other, bad self image, but it is canon. he is deaf., can play in either the mcu or earth 616, deaf clint even if i have not mentioned it, eating problems, friends - Freeform, selfhate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-29 11:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19018846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabriel_Sammys_Angel/pseuds/Gabriel_Sammys_Angel
Summary: Clint Barton has an Eating disorder and it is to be taken seriously - luckily his best friend (girlfriend - up to you Reader!) does.This could play in the MCU but also in the Comic!





	Of cream puffs and messy feelings - ew feelings

**Author's Note:**

> Hello.  
> I have had this planned for some time now but today it suddenly broke out of my fingers and poured onty my Laptop- please do not read if disordered eating triggers you!  
> Stay safe and seek out for help if you need it!  
> NO, more is not planned this is meant to be a one-shot but maybe there will come more, one day.

Over the course of the past three weeks Clint had put all his effort into losing weight. He had even restricted during the big thanksgiving dinner that he and his best friend along with a handful of friends (Sam, James, Steve, Tony and a handful of others) had had. And he had successfully dropped a good 17 pounds, that was a lot for him, especially in such a short amount of time, it had not been healthy, not at all. Clint had archived this extreme result due to starving himself and restricting extremely low, sometimes only eating a banana or an apple a day, or only dinner when his best friend was there to spend the time with him. Often nothing at all.  
Of course this was not the first time Clint had attempted at something like this, and it probably wont be the last either. Natasha knew that her best friend used unhealthy coping mechanism to succeed in weight loss (unless he did not give a care and just ate whatever he wanted – that was what Natasha liked far more but in this space of mind.. Clint would never listen anyway and therefor the woman just waited till her best friend snapped out of it and made sure he at least spent dinner as often as he could with her.)

But today was weighting day and it had exactly been three weeks since he had started again and hell had he worked his ass off for this. Drinking a solid 3-4l of water a day, taking at least 15.000 steps a day (extra. He had his step counter off at work) and not eating unless he had to. And the number reflected his efforts back at him, 150,6, three weeks ago he had been at 167,4. Therefor it was a little over 17 lbs and he grinned to himself, this was good. He could reach one of his goals by his destined date! 

Clint.. had always been like this. During his childhood and teenage years, even now as a young adult he still struggled so badly with things like this, starved himself only to binge it all back on. And sometimes, only sometimes he did not mind, sometimes he could believe his friends when they told him that he is attractive, that he did not need to lose weight- that this was all a left over from his fucked up childhood. But the past weeks... he had been stuck in this unhealthy, toxic head space and suddenly, as he looked at the numbers.. he started to cry.  
He had been so good these past days, for what exactly? To loose weight? To lose the same 15-20 pounds over and over again? Because once he ate normally again he would gain them back. And that was okay, he probably was not meant to be thin at all and right now he cried out of desperation. He wanted to be thin, needed to be thin but he was destroying himself with this way of thinking. There was no normal for Clint anymore, it was either starving and restricting or binging. But Clint was not even overweight. He was at a perfect healthy weight with a good amount of muscles in his arms.

And it had to stop, it finally had to stop. (That was what he told himself every time he snapped back out if this and every time it went good for as long as he was not back to his heaviest again) but this time (and this time he thought it was enough for real) he stepped off of the scale and instead of logging it into his weight loss app... he simply took the batteries out of his scale and threw them away.  
Of course he could always get new ones, but this gesture meant a lot to Clint and he was sick of it. Sick and tired of the mental tournament he put himself through every damn time he stated this again. Enough was enough. Clint glanced in his fridge and sighed, of course there was nothing inside as to not tempt himself because he was easily lead to binging if he was not careful.  
But he did not even feel hungry therefor he downed his first glass of water like every morning, it had become a habit. With a glance at the clock he decided that he could clean his room and the kitchen a little and if he still felt the desire to eat something (the desire, not the actual hunger) afterwards, then he would. It would be good and okay- he tried to tell himself, trying to justify his desire to eat to his inner voice. 

And so he cleaned and since he was still feeling a strong desire to buy something to eat afterwards.. he did. Clint grabbed his keys and started to walk to the supermarket. Exactly 1050 steps for one way, he had memorized that... that would burn roughly 30 calories.. and if he'd walk the long way it would be almost 50, back and forth it would already be 100 calories that he had burnt without even eating anything and plus the cleaning it- he had to stop counting.. but it was hard to stop when your whole life had become full of numbers again, you became a number..

Clint shock his head and sped up, soon reaching the supermarket, he had taken the long way... he could still turn around and not buy anything- he was not even hungry.. but the second he entered the shop he /knew/ that he was going to eat far too much today, that he would fuck up today.  
He felt it in every hair of his body, in ever breath he took while walking through the aisles. He did not even know what he wanted to buy here, he only knew that he wanted soemthing, that he /ached/ for anything...  
When he walked by the vegetables and fruit aisle he grabbed a banana and for the heartbeat of a second he felt proud. He could always pay and leave now. It was only a banana after all... but something did not let him go to the counter... he wandered around.  
He had been so good the past weeks, so good and had resisted everything but today, today seemed to be bad.

Clint walked by the frozen aisle and as he looked through everything he sighed, he wanted fish, it looked good but he managed to pull away until... he was in the sweets section of the frozen things. There were a box of cream puffs. And he grabbed them, his face blank now. He could always lay them back- he could.... but he did not.  
He walked up to the counter now, paid and walked back home, the long way. He could always throw them away, and act like he had not even thought about the temptation. Once he was home he ripped the box open and stuffed one in his mouth before he even was through the door completely. Then he threw the package on the table and took off his jacket and shoes. Only then he started to chew and noticed how they were still frozen. Of course. They needed to thaw for at least an hour before they were edible but in this moment Clint did not care and grabbed a second and ate it quickly, wincing at the coldness against his sensitive teeth. Only then he managed to take a closer look at the box. He had been right, 60 minutes to thaw and.. one had 49, calories. 

Usually he would count 50 since he rather counter more than less just to be safe. But if one had 50 calories he had already consumed 100 calories without really thinking about it. That was his whole walk worth- he swallowed thickly and took a step back. He could leave them out to thaw and later share them with Natasha, after all she had texted him that she wanted to come over later. 

That was a good idea- after all he could not eat 20 of these, that would be 1000 calories- and he had already had a tenth out of that and- he shock his head. This was not good and he knew it but he could not stop thinking like this. He would simply share them with Natasha later, yeah that was a good plan.  
But... then he already had the third in his mouth and still did not care that it was frozen and cold like the other two not even five minutes ago. Then he managed to set them away and he started to clean his kitchen again, although he had done that before he had went to the supermarket, but he needed to pass time and move around at least a bit. About half an hour later of scrubbing the oven he remembered that he still had a banana and hey- bananas were healthy, were they not? 

Over the course of the past three weeks Clint had trained himself to eat slowly and be mindful of every bite, and chew every bite at least twenty times in order to eat slow enough but... the banana was gone in only a few seconds and he was breathing heavily as he had not left himself time to breath between bites.  
Clint closed his eyes and silently started to cry, opening his eyes again only to grab a fourth cream puff and quickly stuffing it into his mouth, greedily swallowing it down.  
Then he turned to his fridge again and looked through it.. Nar had left a protein shake there... a calorie laden shake.. but no.  
First of all that had a good 2000 calories and it belonged to /Natasha/ he could not take it- and yet he did, quickly guzzling it down with tears streaming down his face as he consumed the thick liquid.  
This was not good- he was a mess and he was hating himself more by the second.  
A part of him was screaming that he needed more, that he was hungry, that he needed more calories.. that he needed food, that he needed and ached to be full...that he did not care about what he would weight in the morning, that it would be okay, that he was good enough like he was.

And then there was the other part of his brain that told him what a /pig/ he was, what an ugly and fat pig that only deserved to starve to not be such a pig and finally get thin and be loved.  
But today, for the first time after three weeks again the first voice won and Clint continued to drink that shake, still crying but more numb than sad now. He could not bare this anymore, he had to change again... and yet deep down he knew that he would only be able to be okay with his weight and body again until he gained enough to hate himself once again and then the cycle would repeat itself, like it had for the past ten years... 

By the time he stopped crying he had also managed to drink the whole shake, his hands shaking as he set the bottle down. “fuck..” he whispered to himself. This had been Natasha´s after all, how was he to explain? He could not say that he was a greedy pig he- he took a shaky breath and then closed the door to the fridge that had been open the whole time and surely was not good for his fridge.

It did not take long for Natasha to visit him and when he opened the door, cheeks red and eyes still a little puffy the redhead pulled her best friend into a tight hug and muttered something in Russian, gently tracing her fingers over his back to calm him down. She knew about Clint´s problems and while she would not call him out on this one she made sure that the man knew that she would always be there for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave me a comment or anything!


End file.
